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Our Southern Surrogacy Intended Parents threw a baby shower and included their surrogate- their story….

We did, we made it to the third trimester! After 8 years of trying, and 5 losses, we finally made it to the final phase! What a surreal feeling of excitement and terror. Unfortunately because of our experiences, we know all too well that just because you make it to the next phase doesn’t mean you will make it to the end. 

BUT we pushed through the fears and found joy in the moments that we never thought we would be able to experience, like a baby shower!

We held our baby shower at 26 weeks and within 2 hours of our surrogate so she (and our baby) could attend. Surrogacy is a new world for us and both of our families, so we (probably) overly prepared everyone for the big day.

Here are some things we did to prepare:

  • We invited our surrogate and her family so everyone could celebrate with us together.
  • We came up with guidelines for our guests on how to interact with her based on what she told us she is comfortable with. For example, she was open to any questions, but did not want anyone to touch her belly unless invited by her.
  • We gave her a small job so that she could be involved with the festivities.
  • She sat near us at the head of the table.
  • We included an option on our registry to collect funds that will go towards a gift for her and her family when the baby is born. (A lot of our guests were excited to donate, as they were so grateful for her, but didn’t know how to express their thanks.)

These things made me feel at peace with the day as I know she was excited to celebrate with us, but I was concerned she would be overwhelmed. She was amazing, and the day itself went off without a hitch! 

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how odd it felt being the star of the shower and not being pregnant. It was emotionally draining for me to open gifts and hear parenting advice when in my heart I wasn’t completely convinced that this baby would actually come to light. The biggest help with this was having our baby there, and having such a supportive surrogate who genuinely wanted to celebrate us. 

If I could give advice on how to throw a proper baby shower for Intended Parents I would say:

  • Ask the Intended Parents if they want to include the surrogate in the day or even the planning process
  • Ask the Surrogate if she wants to be involved in the day or the planning process (if the IPs are okay with that)
  • Make sure the day is all about the IPs., Do not put too much attention on the surrogate as to take away the purpose of the day.
  • If the surrogate is attending, ensure all guests understand proper etiquette when it comes to interacting with the surrogate.
  • Provide an opportunity for guests to express their excitement and gratitude to the surrogate. Whether it’s by creating a fund to donate towards a gift or just a card for everyone to sign.

Having your surrogate at your shower is such a personal decision and it really comes down to the relationship you have created with her. Our amazing surrogate has been clear from Day 1 that she is doing this for us and our chance at being parents. She has celebrated with us for every milestone (big and small) through our journey. But our experience isn’t for everyone. There is nothing wrong with not having your surrogate at your shower. Your shower is about you and your baby, so do what feels right for you!  

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The Surrogacy Dream Team

During every surrogacy journey, it’s safe to sat that every Intended Parent and Surrogate wants the same thing: a smooth positive experience. That may not be a guarantee, but the best way to make sure this goal is met, is to assemble the right team. So who all do you need on your team to set yourself up for success?

  • A Fertility Law Attorney:

You need someone who knows surrogacy laws in the state you are transferring your embryo, and the state in which your baby will be born (if it’s not the same state as they are being transferred). You will need a lawyer for you and a separate one for your Gestational Carrier. If you trust your lawyer the legal process will go smoothly and seamlessly. Your lawyer should also be able to refer you to someone else if they cannot represent you for any reason (for example, your baby is born in a state in which they do not practice).

  • Psychologist

You will need a psychologist to screen your surrogate. This person is also a great resource to refer to if you (or your surrogate) need emotional support during the process. Find someone you are comfortable talking to  and value their professional recommendations. 

  • Doctors

You will need a variety of doctor’s on your team. First and foremost is the Reproductive Endocrinologist who will oversee your embryo transfer and any procedures done at your fertility clinic. The second doctor you need on your team is your surrogate’s obgyn. While the Obgyn may not be your doctor, they are caring for your baby (and your baby’s carrier). It’s important to accept that you may not have a say on who your surrogate sees, and if your surrogate trusts their doctor, you must trust your surrogate. 

  • Financial Case Managers

We really mean the case managers of your Escrow account. The purpose of an escrow is to have a third party manage your money during the process so there are no complications and everything is managed legally and what was agreed upon. It is your case manager’s job is to watch over your money and release funds based on your legal contract, or anything you agreed to pay for. 

  • Agency

Your agency is essentially your team leader. They will assist you with building the right team for you and help you work through each area of the process. 

  • Social Worker

At Southern Surrogacy, we assign you a social worker who will be your eyes and ears during the process. They will check on you for every big moment, and periodically throughout the process. If you have any questions or concerns, your case manager is the person to discuss them with. If they don’t have an answer, they know exactly who to recommend you to. Having a good relationship with your social worker will make you feel comfortable during your process!

As with anything, every journey is different. This is a general list of professionals that you should have on your team before you start your journey. The good news is that you won’t have to find all of these professionals on your own. Once you start building your team, the other positions will fall into place. There are a lot of professionals in this industry that are happy to assist, recommend, and be part of your dream come true. If you aren’t sure where to start, please reach out to us.

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Ways to cope with the “Hurry Up and Wait” game

In the beginning of your Surrogacy journey you probably did the following…

You probably researched online what the process was all about. You probably found surrogacy influencers and followed their content. You probably spoke to friends, family, and maybe even joined some Facebook groups. You hopefully felt more comfortable the more you learned, and you felt as ready as you could to begin your journey. 

But no matter how prepared you are, no one could prepare you for the inevitable waiting game. 

The constant battle of hurrying up to do something, but once you did it now you have to just wait. 

Hurry up and get on the list, but wait months (or even years) to get matched.

Get matched, and hurry up to to start medical screening. But wait for the results. Wait to see if she is even going to pass medical screening. 

Hurry up to sign the contract, but wait to make sure every I is dotted and T is crossed. Wait for it to be finalized and for everyone to sign.

Hurry up to schedule the transfer, and wait to see if it worked. 

Hurry up to get to the pregnancy, but wait nine months for that baby to get here.

The waiting is the worse part.

How do we overcome this inevitable piece of this puzzle? 

The easiest answer is to stay open and communicate with each other. 

Come up with a schedule on how you will receive updates. Maybe it’s once a week, or after every appointment. If your struggling with the waiting talk to your social worker, or your psychologist. That’s what they are there for. They understand the waiting is hard, and they want to help you through this process. Remember the saying “Good things come to those who wait”? Well it’s true (for the most part). But staying in contact, and being open will go a long way for your mental health and for everyone involved.

Sometimes the waiting will feel never-ending, but remember most of the waiting is out of anyones control, so you must find ways to be patient. Maybe try some of these to get you started:

Distract yourself with other tasks that need to be done, or even things you know should be done, but you have been putting off.

Get physical.  Go for a walk outside, or turn on some music and dance around like no-one’s watching!

Write in a journal, or send a letter to a loved on.

Clean the house (again). 

We know the path to parenthood thru surrogacy has it’s complexities. Which is why we at Southern Surrogacy want you to feel like you have a family to rely on. We want to support you through it all. You are never alone in this process! 

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Custody Of Embryos In Event Of Divorce

For many couples, the only way to build their family is through assisted reproductive technologies (ART) including in vitro fertilization (IVF). With IVF, eggs are retrieved from a woman’s body and fertilized with sperm in the laboratory, creating embryos that are grown for several days outside the body. At that point, many embryos are cryopreserved prior to transfer to a woman’s uterus. What becomes of such embryos if they remain in storage at the time of progenitors’ divorce?

Reproductive clinics usually require couples to sign documents detailing disposition of their embryos in the event of their deaths and in the event of non-payment of storage fees. Clinics may also require agreement between the couple detailing what should happen if the couple divorces or one spouse is incapacitated while embryos are frozen. Options include procreation by one or both spouses, donation to medical research, or thaw and degeneration of the embryos. In California, New Jersey and Massachusetts it is required by statute that the fertility center mandate their patients to agree on disposition in a variety of circumstances, including divorce (See for example, California: Health and Safety Code 125315).

There have been several reported cases on the issue of what happens to embryos in controversy in divorce proceedings. In general, courts have followed specific agreements made by the progenitors prior to dissolution of marriage, including awarding embryos to the spouse designated by previous mutual agreement. However, if divorce was not contemplated in any consent form or agreement, courts have been hesitant to allow procreation by a former spouse against the other former spouse’s wishes (See Davis v. Davis (Tenn. 1992) 842 S.W.2d 588 and Kass v. Kass (N.Y. 1998) 696 N.E.2d 174). In fact, there is only one reported instance of a court allowing a former spouse to procreate using the genetic material of their former spouse over his objection. In it, the court used a balancing approach to award embryos to the wife when facts showed she was a cancer survivor who had no other means of procreation with her own genetic material (Reber v. Reiss (Pa. Super. Ct. 2012) 42 A.3d 1131). The parties in Reber v. Reiss had not agreed to any particular disposition in the event of death or divorce and their clinic had not required them to do so.

North Carolina does not have statutory guidance or reported cases on the issue of embryo disposition during equitable distribution. Therefore, attorneys should counsel their clients to enter into direct agreement with each other during marriage to clearly state their intent for disposition of embryos in the event of divorce, death or incapacity. Fertility clinics should also require consent forms be signed detailing embryo disposition in a variety of circumstances. And, to avoid confusion over intent, patients need to be sure that if they do sign a separate direct agreement with each other, that it is consistent with the consent forms on file with their medical provider.

Originally posted at ncbarblog.com.

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Southern Surrogacy Directors’ Retreat

Lynn Holland Goldman at our snowbound retreat.
Lynn Holland Goldman at our snowbound retreat.

Southern Surrogacy’s four directors, Ruth F. Claiborne, Amy Wallas Fox, Lila Newberry Bradley and Lynn Holland Goldman gathered together in Highlands, North Carolina for a 2 day retreat this week. We were nearly snowed in! In addition to making significant progress on business matters, we took a hike, cooked a mean surf and turf dinner and enjoyed beautiful scenery.

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